Falling Forward | Hair Loss Makes It Real
This morning, I’m writing this as I walk from my radiation apartment to a coffee shop for my morning workout with my phone because the WiFi is also down in my radiation camp.
Last night, after watching a movie with a friend and having what was otherwise a good day, I was getting ready for bed when I noticed a lot more hair than usual in the sink. I looked up at myself in the mirror and, for the first time, it really registered: radiation is making me lose my hair.
I cried.
I woke up crying too, so instead of sitting with it inside four walls, I decided to go for a walk.
I knew this was coming. Every doctor, every pamphlet, every conversation tells you that hair loss is a possibility. You think you’ve prepared yourself because you’ve heard it so many times. But no amount of information prepares you for the moment it becomes your reality.
For many women, hair is deeply tied to identity. I rarely wear makeup, but I’ve always had thick, full hair. Losing it feels different than the sections that were shaved for surgery. Those felt necessary. They represented healing, and watching them grow back gave me hope. But seeing actual bald patches where my hair is simply falling out… that hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting.
It hurts.
I’m trying not to spiral because I know I have so much to be grateful for. Overall, I still feel physically strong. My energy has remained surprisingly good, and aside from this, I haven’t experienced many side effects yet. My friend, Payten, who also went through cancer stopped by to visit me yesterday and brought me a bunch of cancer gifts that helped her get through it all. I did a 10 mile hike and survived it (we mentally went in prepared for 3 and so it was a surprise), the Indiebook Crawl already yielded one bookstore (Annabelle’s) that wants to try out our ABCs of Filmmaking book. This Sunday we’re filming three scenes for the proof of concept of Tumi & Me, something I’m incredibly excited about. I still need funding help so… please please please donate if you’re able. Link below. Or DM me and Zelle/Venmo works too to combat the fees.
Jon and I reaching the top of Mount Boney after expecting it to be a 3-4 mile hike… it was actually a 10 mile roundtrip hike instead. But we made it, even if the last part was in the dark.
So today isn’t a bad day.
It’s just a hard moment.
Sometimes you can be overwhelmingly grateful and deeply sad at the exact same time. Those emotions aren’t mutually exclusive.
Even writing this brings tears back to my eyes. But I’m hoping that letting myself feel it now—while I’m walking, while the sun is out, while life keeps moving—will help me process it instead of carrying it with me for the rest of the day.
One step at a time to reach the top. Metaphorically and literally.
The view from the top of Mount Boney. You can see Malibu, Thousand Oaks…. etc. The climb though arduous and pretty boring allowed us to get here. Truly a metaphor for this journey of mine.
On a completely different note, if you haven’t already seen it, go watch The Invite. What a masterpiece. It’s one of those films that quietly reminds you how powerful subtle storytelling can be. Compared to the grand scale of The Odyssey, its brilliance feels intimate and attainable, which somehow makes it even more impressive. I left inspired. Not because it did something impossible, but because it proved that thoughtful writing, directing, and restraint can be just as impactful as spectacle.
I hope one day I make something that leaves people feeling the way The Invite left me.